Being Alone is Not Something I Do Very Well.

When I was 15 I took myself on a date to “the city,” 45 minutes away from home, where I spent all day by myself roaming around independent book & coffee shops, poking around piles of vinyl and sitting on sticky park benches trying to look cool. It was such a memorable day (15+ years ago)  because it was the first time I learned that being alone could be fun.  I think we all grow up (or at least I did)  learning that we aren’t the coolest color in the box of crayolas unless we’re constantly surrounded by friends and party invitations. Noone ever taught me how to be alone. As a result, I hate it. No, I’m afraid of it.  I have to psych myself up for it and make it into something fun and adventurous — like stocking up on food my partner hates to eat when she goes out of town, walking to the store to get a peach soda, or even walking the dog. Being alone is not something I do very well.

So tomorrow will be a good test — I’m having another self-date like I did when I was 15, walking into the city, spending the day by myself. I hope to find a coffee shop, grab a solo lunch at a little shop I’ve been meaning to try, and get some Christmas shopping done. I may even bring a camera and play tourist. Part of me is excited, ready for an adventure. Then there’s the other part of me which makes me nostalgic for my 15 year old state: “What will people think of someone wandering around alone (as if anyone cares)? Will I look “uncool”? How do I eat lunch alone? I should make sure my phone is 100% charged in case I want to call or text people.”

^^I mean how silly is all this? (above)…. Ridiculous, right? I can’t believe I still have these thoughts. So – this whole blog is about how I will mix up my karmic roux in 2014… one ingredient to add to the pot: the ability to feel confident in solo situations. 

This post brought to you at 2:30am by the lingering effects of the previous posts’ coffee, and the additional effects of winding down from work + excitement about tomorrow. 

Cheers, ya’ll. 

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2 comments

  1. I find the moments when I’m alone to be the best moments. Free from judgements and questions and that need to worry about my appearance compared to the person next to me and wondering if the woman whispering to her friend and peeking at me over her hand is insulting or complimenting me.

    I hope you find your inner peace with the beauty that solitude can bring. I’m working myself into that happy balance between being alone and not being lonely.

    1. I envy you for the ability to get into that “happy solitude” headspace. I yearn for it, although I also worry that being alone for too long leads me into a deeper depression… like you said, there’s a balance between being alone and being lonely.. some people seem to do it better than others. Maybe it comes down to knowing where that threshold is. :/

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