the RELATIONSHIPS post

Ugh I’ve been dreading this one.

 

I hate my current relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner… but I hate my relationship. It isn’t working for me.

 

I need better friendships. Don’t get me wrong, I have a nice network of friends… but they’re all at arm’s length. I want more of them, and I want ones I can “play” with regularly.

 

I love my family. But they drive me insane – and they’re thousands of miles away. I see them once a year. And our discussions are so fucking ‘surface’. They have no idea who I am. I have no idea who they are. None of them are happy. Gotta work on that.

 

 

Above is really the gist of my issues in this category, but of course they go much deeper.

 

My relationship: Like many others, mine started out great. But at this point, 7 years later, we are no longer intimate (at ALL, in years), we barely talk about our issues (though I’ve begged 100 times), we don’t enjoy each others company, we don’t have fun together. We are great roommates… but we fight constantly, and I worry that we are just in two very different places in our lives. So this year, as I gain my autonomy in other areas/categories, I’ll be facing decisions about my relationship. Mainly: Do I stay or do I go?

 

Cue the clash: 

 

Within 360 days, I will have an answer to that.  I’m not reading any self-help books on relationships, or trying any longer to get her to talk… I have no more energy for that. Instead, I’ll be using this site (and other things) as a tool to gain autonomy over my life again. I’ll recreate standards and principles for myself to live by — and if we aren’t on the same page, the door will be open.

 

My friends: honestly, everything I said above holds true. I need friends I can go to bars with, go to parades with, live spontaneously with… if I can’t get any of this from my relationship (and I can’t), then I need to find friends who will fill this void. Right now none of my current friends work in this area.  It’s odd though, I think, that I’m knowingly looking for friends to fill a void that my relationship can’t fulfill? Hmm.


Family: I need to see them more, spend more time with them. Everyone is getting older and my siblings’ children are growing up not knowing who I am. I don’t want to be that long lost aunt.. I want to be in their lives. This year I’ve gotta figure out how.

 

 

So – how do I deal with all of this?

 

Relationship 2014 To Do/Goals:

 

  • Use this year to make a definite decision. Do I commit to this? Do I try to find someone I can have more fun with? I realize now that no matter what I do, I cannot change another person. I cannot beg for conversations any longer. I cannot beg for spontaneity, for fun moments, for intimacy. I want a marriage. I want children. I want a house. I want financial stability. She is lightyears away from any of that, and I refuse to wait a decade. I won’t beg any longer and risk further damaging my self-image, my integrity, or my self-worth.  The truth is, I’m steps away from looking for someone else. Why am I waiting a year to make the final decision? My last relationship ended abruptly and I have many regrets. I want to be absolutely sure before any decision is made.
  • My goal is my autonomy.
  • By the end of the year, I want a stronger stance on all three subcategories (relationship, friends, family) in this topic.

 

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