Depression

It’s Monday, Week 6, and I Feel Great!

I think I thought that by now in 2014 there’d be huge, drastic changes to how things were/looked on the last day of December in 2013. I was expecting to do a 360 right away, to be a completely new person, shedding flakes of skin and personality flaws and fat and procrastination all at the same time, on the same day, the same second… well THAT SHO’ AIN’T HAPPENIN’! So what is?

I set this whole site up for myself to be pretty crazy. You can probably tell from my endless lists and planning that I tend to border on OCD – which is hilarious when paired with procrastination such as my life. So there are no drastic changes that have happened in the first 6 weeks of 2014. I’ve lost a few pounds, I’ve joined a gym, I’ve started standing up for myself at work, I’ve looked for new jobs (but haven’t submitted any full applications yet so that’s pointless to say), I’ve nurtured my relationship with my family, I’m starting to let go of weighty “friendships”, and I’ve gone to a few cool events.

Those first two weeks of January seemed supercharged with “cool things to do”. I was actively going out and doing things with friends, and then once I started focusing on this weight loss (and thus being afraid to eat out or go to a bar), I stopped all that… I’ve got to find a balance.

Time to look at my February goals and see where I am since 1/3 of the month is over. My February goals are:

Overall GOALS:

  1. Listen to every BEATLES album chronologically. (1 down)
  2. Read 3 books related to my goals. (Read one, 2nd started)
  3. Lose 8 pounds! (1 lb loss – had setback due to family visiting)
  4. Keep my house as CLEAN as it was at the end of January. (Doing ok – could be better)
  5. Find 25 Things to Donate. (Haven’t started – will start today)
  6. Go to the gym 8 times. (Gone 3x)
  7. Spend the last two weeks of Feb in Mardi Gras BLISS (Not there yet)
  8. Find/Make a Mardi Gras COSTUME (Still no clue on this one)
  9. Apply to 3 jobs (Found 2 – haven’t applied yet) 

10 AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY:

(….. crickets) All I’ve done is work/come home/shop/eat/sleep…

As for OK things that actually have happened?

  • Bought shoe inserts to help with foot pain
  • Bought socks to help me out at the gym (needed cushioning)
  • Ordered a sports bra (came today – love it!)
  • Ordered over-the-ear sport clip headphones for the gym (WooHoo!)
  • Took the skin off the damn rotisserie chicken (harder than it sounds) before eating
  • Had dinner at M’s – talked about the Doctor all night

As you can see, I did accomplish a few small things but my list is still right there, shining brightly in my face, unfinished…

TODAY’S GOALS that involve verbs (will update later if I get them done):

  1. TAKE bath – SHAVE
  2. COOK Healthy Dinner for partner
  3. GO to the Gym
  4. CLEAN  kitchen/bedroom
  5. WATCH Biggest Loser (I’m on Season 7, down to final 4)
  6. MAKE list of 3 jobs to apply for TOMORROW (include on list what actually needs to be done)
  7. SPEND only 10 minute segments on my game(s)  – USE A TIMER
  8. BUY a procrastination book
  9. READ the first chapter in the book I buy
  10. DECIDE on a mardi gras costume
  11. FIND 5 items to donate
  12. LISTEN to the FIRST song on the FIRST Beatles album

Think I can get all that done? … Gosh I hope so.. will check in later and let ya know

(^^The crossed off items are what actually got done…so everything else gets rolled over to today’s list)

Just a little update (complete with passive & pointless hashtags)

Here’s some interesting tidbits related to my goals and in general this week:

  1. I’m happy with the weight I’ve lost so far in 2014.
  2. My house has stayed relatively clean since January 1- #FTW
  3. SparkPeople.com is pretty amazing. I’m kind of in lust with it. 
  4. I’ve been doing awesome with food/tracking, and horrible with exercise.  #FAIL
  5. (Don’t worry – this week I’ll exercise more) 
  6. Related to #4, I’ve had a crap ton of issues with my left foot – i.e. it effing kills. 
  7. Related to #6, today I bought high arch inserts to help. WOOHOO! #DrSchollsIsKING
  8. I have the next two days off of work. #MySundayIsYourFriday
  9. My partner and I have been getting along well this week. #HopingItLasts
  10. I “feel” healthier – #HolyCrapThisIsActuallyWorking
  11. This week I need to sit down and evaluate what I’ve done in the past 6 weeks, and compare it to what I want to do in the next 6 weeks.
  12. I spent my Saturday night watching Youtube cat videos at a friends’ house…voluntarily.
  13. I actually finished a “weight loss” self help book #TheScareQuotesAreIntentional
  14. This week I’ve been fighting a depressive episode – it sucks even more because I can’t carbo-load via the emotional eating train. #FML

Tomorrow starts a new week on this journey. New posts, taking a look at goals and lists, self evaluations, etc..stay tuned.

Can I do it?

It’s Friday – my day off. My lofty goal for the day is to complete every item on my to-do list. Job applications, cleaning, eating right, exercising/gym, reading — all of it. Can I do it? Who knows.. but I’ll check back in later to let you know. I need one good, solid, productive day. I think today is it.

It’s silly, right?… To have things on my “lofty to do list” that normal folks do every day of their lives without thinking about it. Depression is a hard nut to crack. Sometimes just getting out of bed feeling as a 2 on the 1-10 happy/sad scale is enough to make me rejoice. If I can accomplish even half my list today, I will be ecstatic… Here I go!

Damn I need some motivation… I hope this is enough.

I’m a Hardcore Self-Reflectionist. I Will Not Have a One-Night Stand With My Resolutions.

Today was my last day to sleep in before 2014, so I did so in style: til noon. My schedule until 2014 is as follows:

 

TODAY Off

21-22 WORK 

23-27 FLYING TO VISIT FAMILY 

28-30 WORK 

31 Off

My teux-deux list needs to squeeze into the before&after hours of work on the 3 days before the new year, as well as today, which I have free. I’d love to have the last day for a day trip. The problem? I’m so fucking lazy.  My BIG goal is to have the entire house cleaned as if my mother were showing up on January 1st. I want to start fresh and free of clutter.

Other goals pre-2014? (besides that whole holiday shopping thing…)

  • Create a financial teux-deux list for 2014
  • Create a bucket list for 2014
  • Create the timeline for 2014’s MUST DEUX list
  • Organize a day trip for the last day of the December with my partner

I’m fully aware that by setting so many goals for myself in 2014, I may be setting myself up to fail or at least that’s what all the ‘experts’ say… but maybe they don’t need to filter through their karmix roux as much as I do. I need BIG changes, not tiny gradual changes…

note to self: I need to think of some creative bits to add to the list 

 

Rut Roh…it’s back. Time to Pill Pop and Throw Out the Coffee!

Well shitballs. I had a pretty serious anxiety disorder for a couple years and this week it has decided to show its ratchety self once more. I thought I had seen the last of it, but apparently not. Anxiety manifests itself physically for me – my blood pressure spikes, I get a headache, I become angry/irritable, and super shaky. I was on meds for it a few years back, then I started eating better and the symptoms slowly dissipated after my stressful (but happy&productive) life fell apart because I no longer had anything to be anxious about… except no longer having a life. 

I’ve had 3 “episodes” (not quite panic attacks, just anxiety episodes) this week . I remember a few years back before I knew what it was I always went straight to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack/stroke – that’s how quickly and intensely these symptoms happen. Now I know that if I do some deep breathing, have a cold compress on my face, eat a banana, walk around for 5 minutes, then take a bath, it seems to calm down… I have to make my body feel ‘safe’ again when it happens. Anyway…3 times this week. I popped a pill (Ativan) last night for it. I should probably take them for the rest of the week just in case. In the meantime, obviously my body is giving me some kind of warning sign…

I need less salt and less caffeine (both of which when eliminated last time helped my anxiety disappear).

The positive side to this? I know without a doubt it is manifesting itself because I’m writing this – because I’m anticipating some pretty serious life changes and only days away from being a snail yanked off its happy little rock... I guess I just need to prepare myself a little more gently.

Craptastic. This post brought to you by an anxiety hangover (headache), some slight shakiness, and a bowl of raisin bran. 

I’m Having a Bad, Horrible, Asstacular Day. You?

Today is one of those textbook depression days:

  • Feelings of Sadness (check) – constant since i woke up, no smile today.
  • Irritability (check) – fought with partner about dumb things
  • Loss of pleasure in normal activities (check)  – what are ‘normal activities?’
  • Reduced sex drive (check) – didn’t even want to look at porn 😉
  • Excessive sleeping (check) – slept til 2pm, wanted to nap all afternoon
  • Insane food cravings (check) – starving, no food in the house
  • Decreased concentration (check) – not wanting to do anything more than 5 minutes.
  • Feelings of worthlessness (check) – feeling horrible about career, money, relationship
  • Horrible self esteem (check) – wrapped in a towel not even wanting the bare wall to see my ugly self.
  • Crying spells (check) – ugh.
  • Thoughts of death (check) – nothing too drastic so no worries there.

In short -#FML. I’m ready for tomorrow to show its face already. Today I woke up at 2pm, got out of bed to let the dog pee, got back into bed, got up to take a bath, got back into bed, took another bath, got back into bed… wrote this post. #StoryofMyDayOff

I Always Giggle When I Read Articles on Financial Stability

The phrase is so far from my vocabulary I don’t even think I’d know what it was it if hit me in the face with a pickle.

Financial Stability: The ability to meet debts as they fall due. 

I don’t think I’ve ever met a financially stable person in my life now that I think about it. 

Hell I don’t even have my own checking account anymore – it’s shared. I think financial autonomy is a huge deal and I have none of it. One of the big changes I’ll make in 2014 is to earn back some of my financial autonomy and see if it makes a difference on my self esteem or confidence. My debts are out of control – student loans, collection agencies hounding me about a card from a decade ago…. my cell phone is 6 years old because I can’t afford a new one #FirstWorldProblems (I know).  That said, I’ve never been on any government assistance of any kind and don’t plan on it… but I’m 30, I live with someone who’s salaried and shares half my monthly bills, and I still don’t have health insurance or money to stay afloat nevermind get out of debt.  I’m not writing this to complain at all, just to wonder how people do it? So many folks with kids and dependents make so much less than I do per hour and I can barely stay afloat myself… how do they do it? Anyway, today’s rant is over… the point of all of this is that in 2014 one of my bigger goals is to drastically change my relationship with money. In fact, I need to start BEING in a relationship with money instead of running away from it. I’m one of those people who would break up with my financial autonomy via text message…  

p.s. when I say my finances are bad, I mean I regularly have to beg to keep lights on and my credit score is probably around 350. I spend way more than my means because I like fresh vegetables instead of canned ones (for example), I owe about $150k in student loans, $10k in credit card debt, and I make less than $1500 per month working full time (you’d laugh if you knew how many unused degrees I have)…so yeah, something has to change…quickly

How does all of this relate to my karmic roux? Well, I think I need to take an honest look at my finances and try to actually budget things. It’s not that I don’t know how to do it – I just never have…and I live with someone who’s in the same exact financial situation as I am (albeit she makes more gross monthly income).. so we both run away from any resemblance of financial responsibility.

Fuck a Duck.

This post brought to you by the electric guy who just turned my lights back on…