Wow, what an insane several months. I’ve completely fallen off the bandwagon of this blog and I’m a little sad about that. In early April I started having some health issues that have escalated over the entire summer culminating with me sitting here in bed on a Saturday evening (tonight), hardly able to walk because of foot pain and swelling. I had a pretty transformative last few months, and as a result I think it’s time to get back to this project. There are 4 months left to 2014 — time to make them count. I may as well pick up where I left off.
I think I thought that by now in 2014 there’d be huge, drastic changes to how things were/looked on the last day of December in 2013. I was expecting to do a 360 right away, to be a completely new person, shedding flakes of skin and personality flaws and fat and procrastination all at the same time, on the same day, the same second… well THAT SHO’ AIN’T HAPPENIN’! So what is?
I set this whole site up for myself to be pretty crazy. You can probably tell from my endless lists and planning that I tend to border on OCD – which is hilarious when paired with procrastination such as my life. So there are no drastic changes that have happened in the first 6 weeks of 2014. I’ve lost a few pounds, I’ve joined a gym, I’ve started standing up for myself at work, I’ve looked for new jobs (but haven’t submitted any full applications yet so that’s pointless to say), I’ve nurtured my relationship with my family, I’m starting to let go of weighty “friendships”, and I’ve gone to a few cool events.
Those first two weeks of January seemed supercharged with “cool things to do”. I was actively going out and doing things with friends, and then once I started focusing on this weight loss (and thus being afraid to eat out or go to a bar), I stopped all that… I’ve got to find a balance.
Time to look at my February goals and see where I am since 1/3 of the month is over. My February goals are:
- Listen to every BEATLES album chronologically. (1 down)
- Read 3 books related to my goals. (Read one, 2nd started)
- Lose 8 pounds! (1 lb loss – had setback due to family visiting)
- Keep my house as CLEAN as it was at the end of January. (Doing ok – could be better)
- Find 25 Things to Donate. (Haven’t started – will start today)
- Go to the gym 8 times. (Gone 3x)
- Spend the last two weeks of Feb in Mardi Gras BLISS (Not there yet)
- Find/Make a Mardi Gras COSTUME (Still no clue on this one)
- Apply to 3 jobs (Found 2 – haven’t applied yet)
10 AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY:
(….. crickets) All I’ve done is work/come home/shop/eat/sleep…
As for OK things that actually have happened?
- Bought shoe inserts to help with foot pain
- Bought socks to help me out at the gym (needed cushioning)
- Ordered a sports bra (came today – love it!)
- Ordered over-the-ear sport clip headphones for the gym (WooHoo!)
- Took the skin off the damn rotisserie chicken (harder than it sounds) before eating
- Had dinner at M’s – talked about the Doctor all night
As you can see, I did accomplish a few small things but my list is still right there, shining brightly in my face, unfinished…
TODAY’S GOALS that involve verbs (will update later if I get them done):
TAKE bath – SHAVE COOK Healthy Dinner for partner GO to the Gym
- CLEAN kitchen/bedroom
WATCH Biggest Loser (I’m on Season 7, down to final 4)
- MAKE list of 3 jobs to apply for TOMORROW (include on list what actually needs to be done)
- SPEND only 10 minute segments on my game(s) – USE A TIMER
BUY a procrastination book READ the first chapter in the book I buy
- DECIDE on a mardi gras costume
- FIND 5 items to donate
LISTEN to the FIRST song on the FIRST Beatles album
Think I can get all that done? … Gosh I hope so.. will check in later and let ya know
(^^The crossed off items are what actually got done…so everything else gets rolled over to today’s list)
Here’s some interesting tidbits related to my goals and in general this week:
- I’m happy with the weight I’ve lost so far in 2014.
- My house has stayed relatively clean since January 1- #FTW
- SparkPeople.com is pretty amazing. I’m kind of in lust with it.
- I’ve been doing awesome with food/tracking, and horrible with exercise. #FAIL
- (Don’t worry – this week I’ll exercise more)
- Related to #4, I’ve had a crap ton of issues with my left foot – i.e. it effing kills.
- Related to #6, today I bought high arch inserts to help. WOOHOO! #DrSchollsIsKING
- I have the next two days off of work. #MySundayIsYourFriday
- My partner and I have been getting along well this week. #HopingItLasts
- I “feel” healthier – #HolyCrapThisIsActuallyWorking
- This week I need to sit down and evaluate what I’ve done in the past 6 weeks, and compare it to what I want to do in the next 6 weeks.
- I spent my Saturday night watching Youtube cat videos at a friends’ house…voluntarily.
- I actually finished a “weight loss” self help book #TheScareQuotesAreIntentional
- This week I’ve been fighting a depressive episode – it sucks even more because I can’t carbo-load via the emotional eating train. #FML
Tomorrow starts a new week on this journey. New posts, taking a look at goals and lists, self evaluations, etc..stay tuned.
Well shitballs. I had a pretty serious anxiety disorder for a couple years and this week it has decided to show its ratchety self once more. I thought I had seen the last of it, but apparently not. Anxiety manifests itself physically for me – my blood pressure spikes, I get a headache, I become angry/irritable, and super shaky. I was on meds for it a few years back, then I started eating better and the symptoms slowly dissipated after my stressful (but happy&productive) life fell apart because I no longer had anything to be anxious about… except no longer having a life.
I’ve had 3 “episodes” (not quite panic attacks, just anxiety episodes) this week . I remember a few years back before I knew what it was I always went straight to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack/stroke – that’s how quickly and intensely these symptoms happen. Now I know that if I do some deep breathing, have a cold compress on my face, eat a banana, walk around for 5 minutes, then take a bath, it seems to calm down… I have to make my body feel ‘safe’ again when it happens. Anyway…3 times this week. I popped a pill (Ativan) last night for it. I should probably take them for the rest of the week just in case. In the meantime, obviously my body is giving me some kind of warning sign…
I need less salt and less caffeine (both of which when eliminated last time helped my anxiety disappear).
The positive side to this? I know without a doubt it is manifesting itself because I’m writing this – because I’m anticipating some pretty serious life changes and only days away from being a snail yanked off its happy little rock... I guess I just need to prepare myself a little more gently.
Craptastic. This post brought to you by an anxiety hangover (headache), some slight shakiness, and a bowl of raisin bran.
Today is one of those textbook depression days:
- Feelings of Sadness (check) – constant since i woke up, no smile today.
- Irritability (check) – fought with partner about dumb things
- Loss of pleasure in normal activities (check) – what are ‘normal activities?’
- Reduced sex drive (check) – didn’t even want to look at porn 😉
- Excessive sleeping (check) – slept til 2pm, wanted to nap all afternoon
- Insane food cravings (check) – starving, no food in the house
- Decreased concentration (check) – not wanting to do anything more than 5 minutes.
- Feelings of worthlessness (check) – feeling horrible about career, money, relationship
- Horrible self esteem (check) – wrapped in a towel not even wanting the bare wall to see my ugly self.
- Crying spells (check) – ugh.
- Thoughts of death (check) – nothing too drastic so no worries there.
In short -#FML. I’m ready for tomorrow to show its face already. Today I woke up at 2pm, got out of bed to let the dog pee, got back into bed, got up to take a bath, got back into bed, took another bath, got back into bed… wrote this post. #StoryofMyDayOff
As per my very first post, the purpose of this blog is to steamroll some drastic change in my life. I think it’s safe to say that the biggest issue I’d like to hop on is my appearance/weight/self esteem, and I put them all together because you can’t really discuss any of them without discussing the others. Cue whiny girl rant…
Some disclosure: I am 100 lbs overweight and I have a clothing style in my head that my body can’t fit into. Until the past few months I never wore makeup and the result is a new addiction to Ulta. My entire life I’ve had problems with scarring – I can get bit by a mosquito and the mark lasts a decade. I hate my hair. I had it short for several years (think pixie cut) then a year ago I decided to grow it out and now it’s past my shoulders and so thick I can’t really leave it down unless I spend an hour with the straightener. I am obsessed with OPI nail products. In my head I can run marathons and climb mountains, whereas in reality my body gives me warnings with bouts of high blood pressure from a ridiculous amount of salt intake. I love to cook but I hate having a dirty kitchen (see previous post). I hate dieting – tried them all. The healthiest I ever felt was a few years ago when I decided to eat only raw foods for 3 months – I lost a ton of weight and had more energy than a terrier… but let’s face it: I like bacon too much to go through that shit again.
Today’s question: What the bloody hell do I do about all of this (above)? I’m fat, lazy, and ugh… and I need a new job in my actual profession but until my appearance instills more confidence, I won’t feel comfortable sending out apps.. It’s obvious that in order for me to get a new job and thus become happier and more financially stable, I need to first work on my appearance… that brings me to this:
- How can I change my eating and exercise habits living with someone who’s sweet tooth could just be labeled “sugar cube”…?
- I’m absolutely horrible at exercising by myself. I know that in order to stay motivated, I need a buddy. As previously stated, I’ve pushed my friends away with this depression.. #problem
- I can anticipate creating a plan to stay on top of all of this, but my roux ingredients are OCD + depression +lack of motivation… which means once I screw up once, I quit and call myself a failure. I have no idea how to fix this. I’ve tried, and failed, my entire life.
This whiny post brought to you sitting in bed with 1 cat, 1 dog, a hair straightener, and a space heater.
This post should be renamed: [I’m] So.Fucking.Resentful. I find myself getting into these circular arguments and circular situations regarding house cleaning. They go like this:
1. Me: I do some serious deep cleaning for 2-3 hours.
2. Partner: Says “looks nice”… does absolutely NO cleaning for a MONTH. On her days off, she sits, reads, watches TV while the mess around her piles up.
3. Me: As a result of the above, I become resentful and don’t want to clean because partner does no cleaning at all… so on my days off, I sit *wanting* to clean (staring at the mess in disgust and building resentment) but refuse to because it should be a *shared* activity.
4. (Month goes by)
5. Me: I do some serious deep cleaning for 2-3 hours. Get angrier.
(Repeat steps 1-5…over and over and over and over and over and over again.)
House: Gets nasty.
Okay, it’s a ratchet way to live. We both have 2 days off per week from work (different days of the week from each other). She cleans MUCH slower than I do.. I can get 5 minutes of cleaning done in the same time she cleans for two hours, no exaggeration. That doesn’t even bother me – what bothers me is she doesn’t even put any effort in.
I’ve tried all of this:
- Threatening to hire a house cleaner (this makes her crazy because we don’t have the $$ to spend on it).
- Threatened to throw both of our things away because we don’t take care of it.
- Made “chore lists” for both of us like we are 17 and in our first apartment (I end up getting even more angry because she only completes 1/10 things on the list and it all goes to hell).
- Let HER make up the chore lists (tried to give her autonomy over the situation)
- Let HER go through all of my stuff and throw anything out she thinks I haven’t used/worn in ages (even this doesn’t work…)
- Switched to disposable everything (cutlery/paper things/etc) – I really hate this.. #CarbonFootprint
- Bought REALLY cool cleaning stuff/gadgets to try and make it fun
So at this point I just throw my hands up in disgust – and every once in a while I freak out and get angry. Every single time that happens, she gets up and cleans for 10-15 minutes, then goes back to whatever she was doing. Why does it have to get to that point? I hate living like this.
Full Disclosure: I grew up in a house where if I left a cup out on a table for five minutes after I finished it, I’d get smacked. Hell, sometimes my mother would take the glass away before I was finished – it’d end up in the dishwasher.
Okay so I spent all of the above time venting about the cleaning thing. The question is how the hell do I attack this situation from this point on? January is just around the corner. Gotta make a plan.