LGBT

It’s Monday, Week 6, and I Feel Great!

I think I thought that by now in 2014 there’d be huge, drastic changes to how things were/looked on the last day of December in 2013. I was expecting to do a 360 right away, to be a completely new person, shedding flakes of skin and personality flaws and fat and procrastination all at the same time, on the same day, the same second… well THAT SHO’ AIN’T HAPPENIN’! So what is?

I set this whole site up for myself to be pretty crazy. You can probably tell from my endless lists and planning that I tend to border on OCD – which is hilarious when paired with procrastination such as my life. So there are no drastic changes that have happened in the first 6 weeks of 2014. I’ve lost a few pounds, I’ve joined a gym, I’ve started standing up for myself at work, I’ve looked for new jobs (but haven’t submitted any full applications yet so that’s pointless to say), I’ve nurtured my relationship with my family, I’m starting to let go of weighty “friendships”, and I’ve gone to a few cool events.

Those first two weeks of January seemed supercharged with “cool things to do”. I was actively going out and doing things with friends, and then once I started focusing on this weight loss (and thus being afraid to eat out or go to a bar), I stopped all that… I’ve got to find a balance.

Time to look at my February goals and see where I am since 1/3 of the month is over. My February goals are:

Overall GOALS:

  1. Listen to every BEATLES album chronologically. (1 down)
  2. Read 3 books related to my goals. (Read one, 2nd started)
  3. Lose 8 pounds! (1 lb loss – had setback due to family visiting)
  4. Keep my house as CLEAN as it was at the end of January. (Doing ok – could be better)
  5. Find 25 Things to Donate. (Haven’t started – will start today)
  6. Go to the gym 8 times. (Gone 3x)
  7. Spend the last two weeks of Feb in Mardi Gras BLISS (Not there yet)
  8. Find/Make a Mardi Gras COSTUME (Still no clue on this one)
  9. Apply to 3 jobs (Found 2 – haven’t applied yet) 

10 AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY:

(….. crickets) All I’ve done is work/come home/shop/eat/sleep…

As for OK things that actually have happened?

  • Bought shoe inserts to help with foot pain
  • Bought socks to help me out at the gym (needed cushioning)
  • Ordered a sports bra (came today – love it!)
  • Ordered over-the-ear sport clip headphones for the gym (WooHoo!)
  • Took the skin off the damn rotisserie chicken (harder than it sounds) before eating
  • Had dinner at M’s – talked about the Doctor all night

As you can see, I did accomplish a few small things but my list is still right there, shining brightly in my face, unfinished…

TODAY’S GOALS that involve verbs (will update later if I get them done):

  1. TAKE bath – SHAVE
  2. COOK Healthy Dinner for partner
  3. GO to the Gym
  4. CLEAN  kitchen/bedroom
  5. WATCH Biggest Loser (I’m on Season 7, down to final 4)
  6. MAKE list of 3 jobs to apply for TOMORROW (include on list what actually needs to be done)
  7. SPEND only 10 minute segments on my game(s)  – USE A TIMER
  8. BUY a procrastination book
  9. READ the first chapter in the book I buy
  10. DECIDE on a mardi gras costume
  11. FIND 5 items to donate
  12. LISTEN to the FIRST song on the FIRST Beatles album

Think I can get all that done? … Gosh I hope so.. will check in later and let ya know

(^^The crossed off items are what actually got done…so everything else gets rolled over to today’s list)

Can I do it?

It’s Friday – my day off. My lofty goal for the day is to complete every item on my to-do list. Job applications, cleaning, eating right, exercising/gym, reading — all of it. Can I do it? Who knows.. but I’ll check back in later to let you know. I need one good, solid, productive day. I think today is it.

It’s silly, right?… To have things on my “lofty to do list” that normal folks do every day of their lives without thinking about it. Depression is a hard nut to crack. Sometimes just getting out of bed feeling as a 2 on the 1-10 happy/sad scale is enough to make me rejoice. If I can accomplish even half my list today, I will be ecstatic… Here I go!

Damn I need some motivation… I hope this is enough.

Feeling Like an Island [today]

I was watching Biggest Loser (season 7) today and this guy Mike made a really good point in one of his “aside” interviews on the show. I think most of us sit around and wait for something amazing to fall into our laps – not a million dollars or anything seemingly unrealistic, but something simpler like a partner to work out with us, the perfect weight loss plan, an open door to the perfect job. These things seem pragmatic, yet even they’re unrealistic. No matter how realistic I think I am, underneath it all I always secretly hope for something to fall in my lap – and that’s the thing – nothing ever has, and nothing ever will. I’ve had to work hard for everything I’ve got, and even harder for the things I don’t have or didn’t get despite the work.

I was updating my LinkedIn profile earlier and looking at the profiles of so many people in my “profession” who had opportunities fall in their laps. I get pulled down in jealousy because that’s never happened to me. I was born with a rusty spoon in my mouth, while everyone around me has a shiny silver one with inlaid diamonds. Of course, maybe that’s not really the case, and maybe they work hard… the point is that I work hard and then I become resentful when seemingly “less deserving or hard-working” people get what *I* deserve – and it happens every single time. That won’t ever get me anywhere. I’ve got to change that mindset. I can sit here and talk about it until my face turns blue and I still feel resentful about many decisions that have been out of my hands… talk is cheap, self. Talk is cheap. 

It’s My Week to Plan – WooHoo!

If you’ve been watching this blank canvas of mine then you know my partner and I have been swapping weeks for shopping & cooking. Last week I got to sit back while she did all the grocery shopping and cooking for me. This week, I’m the purveyor of tasty things. We managed a $140 trip to the grocery last night for my “week”, granted about $40-50 of it was spent on crap we needed from the cleaning/pet aisles.

My menu this week includes lots of salad options (we’re never without pretty much a complete salad bar at the house), a walnut chicken roulade, asian lettuce wraps, and baked mahi mahi. We’ve been sticking to 3-4 “big meals”, because we tend to eat out once or twice per week, and when we don’t eat out, we have leftovers. My additional goal this week [to be a better partner in crime] is to provide her with lunches and snacks, also.. I generally suck at this, and she’s generally awesome at this. We’ll see how I do, I suppose…

This Week’s To Do List:

  • Make 3-4 tasty meals (2 down!)
  • Provide awesome snack/lunch options for us
  • Go to the gym at least twice (1 down!)
  • Keep the house as clean this week as it was at the end of last week (K!)
  • Open some kind of bank/savings account
  • Find 10 things to Donate
  • Lose 3 pounds
  • Apply for 3 jobs
  • Read One Book
  • Clean off my DESK
  • Buy a SPORTS BRA (done!) 
  • Plan my Carnival COSTUME
  • Plan Valentine’s day
  • Find an organziational solution for all my damn makeup.

I Always Giggle When I Read Articles on Financial Stability

The phrase is so far from my vocabulary I don’t even think I’d know what it was it if hit me in the face with a pickle.

Financial Stability: The ability to meet debts as they fall due. 

I don’t think I’ve ever met a financially stable person in my life now that I think about it. 

Hell I don’t even have my own checking account anymore – it’s shared. I think financial autonomy is a huge deal and I have none of it. One of the big changes I’ll make in 2014 is to earn back some of my financial autonomy and see if it makes a difference on my self esteem or confidence. My debts are out of control – student loans, collection agencies hounding me about a card from a decade ago…. my cell phone is 6 years old because I can’t afford a new one #FirstWorldProblems (I know).  That said, I’ve never been on any government assistance of any kind and don’t plan on it… but I’m 30, I live with someone who’s salaried and shares half my monthly bills, and I still don’t have health insurance or money to stay afloat nevermind get out of debt.  I’m not writing this to complain at all, just to wonder how people do it? So many folks with kids and dependents make so much less than I do per hour and I can barely stay afloat myself… how do they do it? Anyway, today’s rant is over… the point of all of this is that in 2014 one of my bigger goals is to drastically change my relationship with money. In fact, I need to start BEING in a relationship with money instead of running away from it. I’m one of those people who would break up with my financial autonomy via text message…  

p.s. when I say my finances are bad, I mean I regularly have to beg to keep lights on and my credit score is probably around 350. I spend way more than my means because I like fresh vegetables instead of canned ones (for example), I owe about $150k in student loans, $10k in credit card debt, and I make less than $1500 per month working full time (you’d laugh if you knew how many unused degrees I have)…so yeah, something has to change…quickly

How does all of this relate to my karmic roux? Well, I think I need to take an honest look at my finances and try to actually budget things. It’s not that I don’t know how to do it – I just never have…and I live with someone who’s in the same exact financial situation as I am (albeit she makes more gross monthly income).. so we both run away from any resemblance of financial responsibility.

Fuck a Duck.

This post brought to you by the electric guy who just turned my lights back on…

She’s “Allergic” to Cleaning. It Makes Me Insane.

This post should be renamed: [I’m] So.Fucking.Resentful. I find myself getting into these circular arguments and circular situations regarding house cleaning. They go like this:

1. Me: I do some serious deep cleaning for 2-3 hours. 

2. Partner: Says “looks nice”… does absolutely NO cleaning for a MONTH. On her days off, she sits, reads, watches TV while the mess around her piles up. 

3. Me: As a result of the above, I become resentful and don’t want to clean because partner does no cleaning at all… so on my days off, I sit *wanting* to clean (staring at the mess in disgust and building resentment) but refuse to because it should be a *shared* activity.

4. (Month goes by) 

5. Me: I do some serious deep cleaning for 2-3 hours. Get angrier. 

(Repeat steps 1-5…over and over and over and over and over and over again.) 

House: Gets nasty. 

Okay, it’s a ratchet way to live. We both have 2 days off per week from work (different days of the week from each other). She cleans MUCH slower than I do.. I can get 5 minutes of cleaning done in the same time she cleans for two hours, no exaggeration.  That doesn’t even bother me – what bothers me is she doesn’t even put any effort in.

I’ve tried all of this:

  • Threatening to hire a house cleaner (this makes her crazy because we don’t have the $$ to spend on it).
  • Threatened to throw both of our things away because we don’t take care of it.
  • Made “chore lists” for both of us like we are 17 and in our first apartment (I end up getting even more angry because she only completes 1/10 things on the list and it all goes to hell).
  • Let HER make up the chore lists (tried to give her autonomy over the situation)
  • Let HER go through all of my stuff and throw anything out she thinks I haven’t used/worn in ages (even this doesn’t work…)
  • Switched to disposable everything (cutlery/paper things/etc) – I really hate this.. #CarbonFootprint
  • Bought REALLY cool cleaning stuff/gadgets to try and make it fun

So at this point I just throw my hands up in disgust – and every once in a while I freak out and get angry.  Every single time that happens, she gets up and cleans for 10-15 minutes, then goes back to whatever she was doing. Why does it have to get to that point?  I hate living like this.

Full Disclosure: I grew up in a house where if I left a cup out on a table for five minutes after I finished it, I’d get smacked. Hell, sometimes my mother would take the glass away before I was finished  – it’d end up in the dishwasher. 

#WeAreLikeABadSitcomOnFox

Okay so I spent all of the above time venting about the cleaning thing. The question is how the hell do I attack this situation from this point on? January is just around the corner. Gotta make a plan.