Mental Health

4 Months Left

Wow, what an insane several months. I’ve completely fallen off the bandwagon of this blog and I’m a little sad about that. In early April I started having some health issues that have escalated over the entire summer culminating with me sitting here in bed on a Saturday evening (tonight), hardly able to walk because of foot pain and swelling. I had a pretty transformative last few months, and as a result I think it’s time to get back to this project. There are 4 months left to 2014 — time to make them count.  I may as well pick up where I left off. 

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It’s Monday, Week 6, and I Feel Great!

I think I thought that by now in 2014 there’d be huge, drastic changes to how things were/looked on the last day of December in 2013. I was expecting to do a 360 right away, to be a completely new person, shedding flakes of skin and personality flaws and fat and procrastination all at the same time, on the same day, the same second… well THAT SHO’ AIN’T HAPPENIN’! So what is?

I set this whole site up for myself to be pretty crazy. You can probably tell from my endless lists and planning that I tend to border on OCD – which is hilarious when paired with procrastination such as my life. So there are no drastic changes that have happened in the first 6 weeks of 2014. I’ve lost a few pounds, I’ve joined a gym, I’ve started standing up for myself at work, I’ve looked for new jobs (but haven’t submitted any full applications yet so that’s pointless to say), I’ve nurtured my relationship with my family, I’m starting to let go of weighty “friendships”, and I’ve gone to a few cool events.

Those first two weeks of January seemed supercharged with “cool things to do”. I was actively going out and doing things with friends, and then once I started focusing on this weight loss (and thus being afraid to eat out or go to a bar), I stopped all that… I’ve got to find a balance.

Time to look at my February goals and see where I am since 1/3 of the month is over. My February goals are:

Overall GOALS:

  1. Listen to every BEATLES album chronologically. (1 down)
  2. Read 3 books related to my goals. (Read one, 2nd started)
  3. Lose 8 pounds! (1 lb loss – had setback due to family visiting)
  4. Keep my house as CLEAN as it was at the end of January. (Doing ok – could be better)
  5. Find 25 Things to Donate. (Haven’t started – will start today)
  6. Go to the gym 8 times. (Gone 3x)
  7. Spend the last two weeks of Feb in Mardi Gras BLISS (Not there yet)
  8. Find/Make a Mardi Gras COSTUME (Still no clue on this one)
  9. Apply to 3 jobs (Found 2 – haven’t applied yet) 

10 AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY:

(….. crickets) All I’ve done is work/come home/shop/eat/sleep…

As for OK things that actually have happened?

  • Bought shoe inserts to help with foot pain
  • Bought socks to help me out at the gym (needed cushioning)
  • Ordered a sports bra (came today – love it!)
  • Ordered over-the-ear sport clip headphones for the gym (WooHoo!)
  • Took the skin off the damn rotisserie chicken (harder than it sounds) before eating
  • Had dinner at M’s – talked about the Doctor all night

As you can see, I did accomplish a few small things but my list is still right there, shining brightly in my face, unfinished…

TODAY’S GOALS that involve verbs (will update later if I get them done):

  1. TAKE bath – SHAVE
  2. COOK Healthy Dinner for partner
  3. GO to the Gym
  4. CLEAN  kitchen/bedroom
  5. WATCH Biggest Loser (I’m on Season 7, down to final 4)
  6. MAKE list of 3 jobs to apply for TOMORROW (include on list what actually needs to be done)
  7. SPEND only 10 minute segments on my game(s)  – USE A TIMER
  8. BUY a procrastination book
  9. READ the first chapter in the book I buy
  10. DECIDE on a mardi gras costume
  11. FIND 5 items to donate
  12. LISTEN to the FIRST song on the FIRST Beatles album

Think I can get all that done? … Gosh I hope so.. will check in later and let ya know

(^^The crossed off items are what actually got done…so everything else gets rolled over to today’s list)

Just a little update (complete with passive & pointless hashtags)

Here’s some interesting tidbits related to my goals and in general this week:

  1. I’m happy with the weight I’ve lost so far in 2014.
  2. My house has stayed relatively clean since January 1- #FTW
  3. SparkPeople.com is pretty amazing. I’m kind of in lust with it. 
  4. I’ve been doing awesome with food/tracking, and horrible with exercise.  #FAIL
  5. (Don’t worry – this week I’ll exercise more) 
  6. Related to #4, I’ve had a crap ton of issues with my left foot – i.e. it effing kills. 
  7. Related to #6, today I bought high arch inserts to help. WOOHOO! #DrSchollsIsKING
  8. I have the next two days off of work. #MySundayIsYourFriday
  9. My partner and I have been getting along well this week. #HopingItLasts
  10. I “feel” healthier – #HolyCrapThisIsActuallyWorking
  11. This week I need to sit down and evaluate what I’ve done in the past 6 weeks, and compare it to what I want to do in the next 6 weeks.
  12. I spent my Saturday night watching Youtube cat videos at a friends’ house…voluntarily.
  13. I actually finished a “weight loss” self help book #TheScareQuotesAreIntentional
  14. This week I’ve been fighting a depressive episode – it sucks even more because I can’t carbo-load via the emotional eating train. #FML

Tomorrow starts a new week on this journey. New posts, taking a look at goals and lists, self evaluations, etc..stay tuned.

Can I do it?

It’s Friday – my day off. My lofty goal for the day is to complete every item on my to-do list. Job applications, cleaning, eating right, exercising/gym, reading — all of it. Can I do it? Who knows.. but I’ll check back in later to let you know. I need one good, solid, productive day. I think today is it.

It’s silly, right?… To have things on my “lofty to do list” that normal folks do every day of their lives without thinking about it. Depression is a hard nut to crack. Sometimes just getting out of bed feeling as a 2 on the 1-10 happy/sad scale is enough to make me rejoice. If I can accomplish even half my list today, I will be ecstatic… Here I go!

Damn I need some motivation… I hope this is enough.

Feeling Like an Island [today]

I was watching Biggest Loser (season 7) today and this guy Mike made a really good point in one of his “aside” interviews on the show. I think most of us sit around and wait for something amazing to fall into our laps – not a million dollars or anything seemingly unrealistic, but something simpler like a partner to work out with us, the perfect weight loss plan, an open door to the perfect job. These things seem pragmatic, yet even they’re unrealistic. No matter how realistic I think I am, underneath it all I always secretly hope for something to fall in my lap – and that’s the thing – nothing ever has, and nothing ever will. I’ve had to work hard for everything I’ve got, and even harder for the things I don’t have or didn’t get despite the work.

I was updating my LinkedIn profile earlier and looking at the profiles of so many people in my “profession” who had opportunities fall in their laps. I get pulled down in jealousy because that’s never happened to me. I was born with a rusty spoon in my mouth, while everyone around me has a shiny silver one with inlaid diamonds. Of course, maybe that’s not really the case, and maybe they work hard… the point is that I work hard and then I become resentful when seemingly “less deserving or hard-working” people get what *I* deserve – and it happens every single time. That won’t ever get me anywhere. I’ve got to change that mindset. I can sit here and talk about it until my face turns blue and I still feel resentful about many decisions that have been out of my hands… talk is cheap, self. Talk is cheap. 

Rut Roh…it’s back. Time to Pill Pop and Throw Out the Coffee!

Well shitballs. I had a pretty serious anxiety disorder for a couple years and this week it has decided to show its ratchety self once more. I thought I had seen the last of it, but apparently not. Anxiety manifests itself physically for me – my blood pressure spikes, I get a headache, I become angry/irritable, and super shaky. I was on meds for it a few years back, then I started eating better and the symptoms slowly dissipated after my stressful (but happy&productive) life fell apart because I no longer had anything to be anxious about… except no longer having a life. 

I’ve had 3 “episodes” (not quite panic attacks, just anxiety episodes) this week . I remember a few years back before I knew what it was I always went straight to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack/stroke – that’s how quickly and intensely these symptoms happen. Now I know that if I do some deep breathing, have a cold compress on my face, eat a banana, walk around for 5 minutes, then take a bath, it seems to calm down… I have to make my body feel ‘safe’ again when it happens. Anyway…3 times this week. I popped a pill (Ativan) last night for it. I should probably take them for the rest of the week just in case. In the meantime, obviously my body is giving me some kind of warning sign…

I need less salt and less caffeine (both of which when eliminated last time helped my anxiety disappear).

The positive side to this? I know without a doubt it is manifesting itself because I’m writing this – because I’m anticipating some pretty serious life changes and only days away from being a snail yanked off its happy little rock... I guess I just need to prepare myself a little more gently.

Craptastic. This post brought to you by an anxiety hangover (headache), some slight shakiness, and a bowl of raisin bran. 

I’m Having a Bad, Horrible, Asstacular Day. You?

Today is one of those textbook depression days:

  • Feelings of Sadness (check) – constant since i woke up, no smile today.
  • Irritability (check) – fought with partner about dumb things
  • Loss of pleasure in normal activities (check)  – what are ‘normal activities?’
  • Reduced sex drive (check) – didn’t even want to look at porn 😉
  • Excessive sleeping (check) – slept til 2pm, wanted to nap all afternoon
  • Insane food cravings (check) – starving, no food in the house
  • Decreased concentration (check) – not wanting to do anything more than 5 minutes.
  • Feelings of worthlessness (check) – feeling horrible about career, money, relationship
  • Horrible self esteem (check) – wrapped in a towel not even wanting the bare wall to see my ugly self.
  • Crying spells (check) – ugh.
  • Thoughts of death (check) – nothing too drastic so no worries there.

In short -#FML. I’m ready for tomorrow to show its face already. Today I woke up at 2pm, got out of bed to let the dog pee, got back into bed, got up to take a bath, got back into bed, took another bath, got back into bed… wrote this post. #StoryofMyDayOff