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It’s Monday, Week 6, and I Feel Great!

I think I thought that by now in 2014 there’d be huge, drastic changes to how things were/looked on the last day of December in 2013. I was expecting to do a 360 right away, to be a completely new person, shedding flakes of skin and personality flaws and fat and procrastination all at the same time, on the same day, the same second… well THAT SHO’ AIN’T HAPPENIN’! So what is?

I set this whole site up for myself to be pretty crazy. You can probably tell from my endless lists and planning that I tend to border on OCD – which is hilarious when paired with procrastination such as my life. So there are no drastic changes that have happened in the first 6 weeks of 2014. I’ve lost a few pounds, I’ve joined a gym, I’ve started standing up for myself at work, I’ve looked for new jobs (but haven’t submitted any full applications yet so that’s pointless to say), I’ve nurtured my relationship with my family, I’m starting to let go of weighty “friendships”, and I’ve gone to a few cool events.

Those first two weeks of January seemed supercharged with “cool things to do”. I was actively going out and doing things with friends, and then once I started focusing on this weight loss (and thus being afraid to eat out or go to a bar), I stopped all that… I’ve got to find a balance.

Time to look at my February goals and see where I am since 1/3 of the month is over. My February goals are:

Overall GOALS:

  1. Listen to every BEATLES album chronologically. (1 down)
  2. Read 3 books related to my goals. (Read one, 2nd started)
  3. Lose 8 pounds! (1 lb loss – had setback due to family visiting)
  4. Keep my house as CLEAN as it was at the end of January. (Doing ok – could be better)
  5. Find 25 Things to Donate. (Haven’t started – will start today)
  6. Go to the gym 8 times. (Gone 3x)
  7. Spend the last two weeks of Feb in Mardi Gras BLISS (Not there yet)
  8. Find/Make a Mardi Gras COSTUME (Still no clue on this one)
  9. Apply to 3 jobs (Found 2 – haven’t applied yet) 

10 AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY:

(….. crickets) All I’ve done is work/come home/shop/eat/sleep…

As for OK things that actually have happened?

  • Bought shoe inserts to help with foot pain
  • Bought socks to help me out at the gym (needed cushioning)
  • Ordered a sports bra (came today – love it!)
  • Ordered over-the-ear sport clip headphones for the gym (WooHoo!)
  • Took the skin off the damn rotisserie chicken (harder than it sounds) before eating
  • Had dinner at M’s – talked about the Doctor all night

As you can see, I did accomplish a few small things but my list is still right there, shining brightly in my face, unfinished…

TODAY’S GOALS that involve verbs (will update later if I get them done):

  1. TAKE bath – SHAVE
  2. COOK Healthy Dinner for partner
  3. GO to the Gym
  4. CLEAN  kitchen/bedroom
  5. WATCH Biggest Loser (I’m on Season 7, down to final 4)
  6. MAKE list of 3 jobs to apply for TOMORROW (include on list what actually needs to be done)
  7. SPEND only 10 minute segments on my game(s)  – USE A TIMER
  8. BUY a procrastination book
  9. READ the first chapter in the book I buy
  10. DECIDE on a mardi gras costume
  11. FIND 5 items to donate
  12. LISTEN to the FIRST song on the FIRST Beatles album

Think I can get all that done? … Gosh I hope so.. will check in later and let ya know

(^^The crossed off items are what actually got done…so everything else gets rolled over to today’s list)

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Being Alone is Not Something I Do Very Well.

When I was 15 I took myself on a date to “the city,” 45 minutes away from home, where I spent all day by myself roaming around independent book & coffee shops, poking around piles of vinyl and sitting on sticky park benches trying to look cool. It was such a memorable day (15+ years ago)  because it was the first time I learned that being alone could be fun.  I think we all grow up (or at least I did)  learning that we aren’t the coolest color in the box of crayolas unless we’re constantly surrounded by friends and party invitations. Noone ever taught me how to be alone. As a result, I hate it. No, I’m afraid of it.  I have to psych myself up for it and make it into something fun and adventurous — like stocking up on food my partner hates to eat when she goes out of town, walking to the store to get a peach soda, or even walking the dog. Being alone is not something I do very well.

So tomorrow will be a good test — I’m having another self-date like I did when I was 15, walking into the city, spending the day by myself. I hope to find a coffee shop, grab a solo lunch at a little shop I’ve been meaning to try, and get some Christmas shopping done. I may even bring a camera and play tourist. Part of me is excited, ready for an adventure. Then there’s the other part of me which makes me nostalgic for my 15 year old state: “What will people think of someone wandering around alone (as if anyone cares)? Will I look “uncool”? How do I eat lunch alone? I should make sure my phone is 100% charged in case I want to call or text people.”

^^I mean how silly is all this? (above)…. Ridiculous, right? I can’t believe I still have these thoughts. So – this whole blog is about how I will mix up my karmic roux in 2014… one ingredient to add to the pot: the ability to feel confident in solo situations. 

This post brought to you at 2:30am by the lingering effects of the previous posts’ coffee, and the additional effects of winding down from work + excitement about tomorrow. 

Cheers, ya’ll. 

Depression + Holidays = Not Sucking So Far

I know the holidays suck for a lot of people with depression, but I actually enjoy it despite wanting to walk into traffic from time to time. December is a month when I’m reminded that even though I push most of my friends away, I have a huge family and although they’re dead ass broke, it’s always a big ordeal. They all live 2000 miles away and this is the first time in a LONG time I’ve been home for Christmas, so we are all looking forward to it. It’s good for me and my depression because:

1. It gives me something to look forward to (my schedule is usually WIDE open for a month at a time and there are times when having nothing at all to look forward to – not even a work meeting – is really depressing.) 

2. I get to go shopping (I really enjoy shopping for people. One of my biggest issues is how bad my credit is, and how horrible I am at managing my own finances, but this is the first time I get to see family in a long while, and I’m shopping for them damnit.) 

3. Shopping gets me out of the house (self explanatory when you’re a depressed hermit like me). 

4. Getting out of the house means I’m more social both in public and on the phone (again self explanatory when you’re a depressed hermit like me). 

So this is a good lead-up to my 2014 roux mixing… instead of coming out of my shell cold turkey, I get a month (or at least a couple weeks) of hopping back into the real world first. Social interaction + doing things I like (shopping/holiday events)…yep, all good.

Today wasn’t a horrible day. Booyah! This post brought to you by Famous Amos Chocolate Chip cookies & Dunkin Donuts coffee @9pm…